This week my group classes began and my first one was on Monday evening at 6.30. I admit to feeling just a tad nervous before I went in but that disappeared as soon as I met everyone. The time whizzed by and we had lots of laughter and lots of conversation as the group all had a reasonable level of English. And on Tuesday evening, at the same time of day, I had another group, a bit more advanced but a bit more reserved. I had to work a little harder with them but I feel sure it will go well. And each group have another hour and a half on Wednesdays and Thursdays...
My relationship with mornings was tested as well this week as my third group have their hour-long classes on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8am. That's eight o'clock in the morning if you didn't quite take it in at first reading. That's early. And this group is all men and all with a fairly basic level of English but again, the time flew by and by the end of the first lesson, they could all remember how to pronounce 'J', 'G' and 'R' and by the end of the third lesson, they were having short conversations and spelling words out correctly.
I also have hour long lessons with some of the senior managers and I am enjoying the conversations very much. At one of the sessions, I realised we were discussing information systems and the collection and production of statistics...all my 'old' work interests and knowledge...so that was extremely interesting and only by a whisker did I stop myself from offering to take on the job of designing a reporting system for the production department!
And at home...well, we're becoming accustomed to the total destruction of our garden. FR has fashioned some steps to reach the outhouse and the garden gate and has also created a little raised flower bed area. He's also had some iron bars made to fix to the wall so we can put up some canopies for summer shade. We've had various men round to give us quotes to do the work and so I expect more action before long. For now, it's been all hands on deck...oh, perhaps that should read all male hands on deck as neither Romy nor I have had much to do with it so far.
Mateo is very happy these days too as our lovely English neighbour has done him the biggest favour she could....she asked if he could do a few hours work in her garden for which she is paying him. And he's delighted - not just with the money, which is fantastic for him - but with actually doing the gardening. And it's come at the right time for him as he now has found himself a girlfriend. It's just lovely to see him so happy, although as she lives in another village some distance from town and even more from us....a 40km round trip..which is of course, 80km there and back twice! I am encouraging him to meet her in town when he can, though I really don't mind the journey. There are no buses after school time so unless their parents help out, they could be doomed from the start!
However, not everything is going well for everyone. My dad, who had a stroke 10 years ago, has been most unhappy and difficult with my mum since she returned from her visit here. Things came to a bit of a head yesterday and I had a call from my sister to say it looked as though he might not be able to stay at home any longer. She and Mum were waiting for a visit for an assessment. I was concerned enough to be looking for a quick flight home but although I could find a flight to Manchester today, I couldn't find one to return. However, Judy called me a little later after the visit and said that they had managed to sort a few things out. Dad had agreed he would take some more medication - he'd been refusing to and had not been sleeping and spending much of the night shouting and being very disruptive during the past couple of weeks - so that he could stay at home for at least a bit longer. He's completely unable to control his feelings of anger and frustration but understands that his behaviour is making it impossible for Mum to look after him. He knows he doesn't want to be in a home and that the medication he's being given should help them both to manage life at home.
It's very sad. I'm phoning my mum most days and my sister, who is brilliant at dealing with Dad's unrealistic requests, is giving all the support she can. Between us, we can only try to do what we can. I'm going to England with the children in July and Mum said it would be silly to come beforehand as really, I can't change anything. But it doesn't stop me wishing I could. I'm glad to say that least both Mum and Dad had a good night's sleep last night for the first time in a while. That has to help.
So it's been a week of taking the rough with the smooth; being grateful for the good things and dealing with the bad things. Just keep swimming!
I'll start with the difficult bit, because in comparison with the troubles with your Dad everything else is easy. Distance makes everything seem worse, but you have to believe that everything that is reasonable is already being done for him by your Mother and sister. The increased medication will help, and it will be easier for them both to cope with extra sleep. Is there assistance from carers? I can imagine that your mothers health and well being us also a real concern, and that ultimately residential care may be the only answer. My brother is nine years younger, and I have an understanding with him that should I need care in the future he will ensure that my children know that when I was truly capable of making that decision for myself my wish was to go into residential care. I'll be thinking about you all and hope that things improve.
ReplyDeleteOn a happier note I'm so pleased that you are enjoying the work. It seems that the job suits you and will be fulfilling.
At what age can Mateo learn to drive? We found it so much easier when our children could drive themselves from our small, almost bus less village to meet their friends. They went to schools out of our usual catchment, so in total we had about 17 years of school runs and social lifts.
The gardening work seems to be coming on and I look forward to seeing the progress. I'm particularly interested in the sun canopy. We have a raised terrace and are trying to work out the best way to provide shade.
Keep strong... Xx
Gaynor, your lovely, considered and caring response has really moved me. Thank you so much for your words. You are, of course, absolutely right. Mum is coping and she has my sister close if things are difficult. I'm calling her either every day or every other day and she does have carers who come in and put Dad to bed and get him up - and who are doing a few extra hours during the day too. I think you are quite right in making your own wishes clear now - my sister and I have also discussed this. I don't expect things to improve much but I know my mum wants to avoid Dad going into a home for as long as possible. But she also knows this probably where things will end up. It's very important for her to keep well too..
DeleteWe are probably going to get a small motorbike in the interim...FR or I can use it and also Mateo can when he's 16 in about six weeks. It will be a bit nerve-wracking to start with but the most practical solution. When he's old enough, we'll look at getting another small car.
The gardening work is making a little progress - FR is doing the bits he can before the speedy guys come in and do real building work. Then he'll continue to finish off what he can. He'll be working with them so he can keep the cost down and also keep an eye on them!
Thanks again - your words mean a lot to me.
Axxx
I am so sorry your mum is having such a hard time, and of course, it must be awful for your dad, especially if he has that awareness of how difficult he is making things. Old age, illness...aggghhhh.....it is rarely easy ! I am sure your mum is right though... you being there will not change anything, except as you say, you may be able to give your mum a bit of respite.
ReplyDeleteThe job sounds fascinating. I can just see you reveling in it and they must be thrilled to have found someone who can actually relate to the business side of things as well as help work on language skills. I am still at sea with imagining the garden..... I have a picture of the trench that got dug, accessing the front door...but do not have the imagination to understand the next stage...so, please send photos.
I like the idea that you and Romy are supervising rather than digging ! Apart from the news from your parents, all sounds great, so I do hope something is resolved soon so that you do not have to worry about it so much. Love to all. Jxxxx
Thanks Janice. Already, I can hear that things are a little better at home. Judy is incredibly sensible and practical and can manage my dad brilliantly, but she and Mum don't always communicate with each other in the best way....I have always got on better with Mum, so we're each going to play to our strengths in managing what we can. I will call Mum almost every day just so she can say how she feels. It helps and it's something I can do.
DeleteThe job is wonderful and I feel very, very happy about it and the people I'm working with. I can't believe I spent so much of my life saying I didn't want to be a teacher!!
I'll post some more pictures soon...it's probably a bit less trench like than you're imagining..or at least I hope so!!
And yes, apart from worrying about things at home, everything is really good. Such a shame we won't see you in July - next time, I'll try and co-ordinate things better! Big congratulations to Jessie - how lovely she is in all ways. Axxx
I know exactly how you feel about your parents. My are both approaching 90 and we are soon going to be in the same situation as you. I feel very far away and guilty as hell.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the teaching is going well. I hope to treat yourself to a massive glass of red after such busy days. ( except when you are collecting Mateo of course )
It is very difficult, B2B. I feel for my mum, who after 10 years of caring is now finding my dad's behaviour unbearable and almost unmanageable. They're trying and the medication will hopefully help - but I do feel utterly useless.
DeleteThe teaching is great...but I can't indulge...I'm a hopeless drinker! A nice cup of Lady Grey tea is my tipple! So guess who is taxi most nights..Axx
It must be so hard for you knowing about the strain with your Mum and Dad back in England and being so far away, but the others are right that your being there won't make any practical difference to the situation. With increased medication and better sleep things will hopefully improve and your parents will both be in a more positive state to enjoy your July visit with the children. We too have our worries with my dear mother-in-law as her memory continues to worsen, but at least her kind and sunny personality hasn't been affected so far, which makes dealing with the problems she encounters somewhat easier.
ReplyDeleteYour new job sounds tailor-made for you and I bet your students really enjoy having you as their new teacher. As for Mateo, I'm delighted the source of extra money has materialised just as he has a lovely reason to need it. :-)
It is certainly the sleep deprivation that is difficult for my mum - on top of Dad's recent behavioural changes - and I can't do anything about that. I'm calling her every day just to let her know I'm thinking about them. My dad is 83 and even before his stroke he was showing the signs of ageing, so it's not absolutely surprising that the stroke hasn't exactly helped!!
DeleteMy job is 'Taylor Made' for me!! I've just had another great session and am enjoying both the challenge and the response. And both Mateo and I are feeling quite flush at the moment - and whilst I urgently need a haircut, I have to say the one Mateo has bought himself is not exactly to my taste - and I can't do a thing about it!
Axxx
So miserable not being on site and so unable to give hands on help to your parents....both of them, because your father must be really frightened - not wishing to admit the problem so not taking the pills: not wishing to have to leave his wife and his home so being frightened into taking them...
ReplyDeleteDoes he have a friend you could talk to; someone he trusts who could chew it all over with him?
Clearly with your sister's support your mother was able to decide that there was no point in you coming over earlier, so she is still able to take control.
On the new pills regime with a bit of luck things will improve on the home front and your visit with the children should then be a pick up for both your parents rather then you dashing back in an emergency situation.
Lovely news about Mateo, the girl and the garden....though you might well be right about the distances involved!
Of course your teaching is going well....I wonder how long you will resist the temptation to design that reporting system, though...and at least you are not involved in digging trenches....
Take care..and give yourself time to tangle...
Thank you Helen. I talked a long time today with both my parents and Dad's anger is beginning to calm down and he has apologised to my mum for saying some really cruel and unfair things...that helps no end, although I don't think he really knows what he did say. They've both had a good night's sleep and every one of those helps. And you are right - he is very frightened and very unhappy.
DeleteMateo is blossoming and working hard physically, even if his approach to school work isn't quite what we had hoped for. Can't have it all, I guess. Maybe he'll decide to do landscape gardening as a career and have his intellectual pursuits as a hobby.
I'm resisting getting too involved in how the factory runs! But I am enjoying the classes, if not exactly enjoying the early starts..
I am still tangling..maybe a bit less...but still tangling! I feel better that you say I should too...thank you for your kind words.
Axxx
Life! It's a fortunate person who has enough good bits to make the bad ones bearable. You are so wise to enjoy every bit of the lovely life you are making for yourselves.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to health problems in the UK, I'm sure you and your sister know that you have to be quite forceful when it comes to making sure your loved one's problems are dealt with adequately. Thank goodness your parents have you & your sister to insist on proper care for them.
Thank you Nilly. Yes, I'm fortunate - and also glad that my sister and I are such good friends too. She's keeping me informed about how things are in her usual clear-sighted way - and I'm letting Mum get things off her chest. Today, things aren't too bad as they've both had a good night's sleep. It really does help.
DeleteAxxx
It's so hard to deal with the feelings of guilt when we live so far from our families. My parents were still alive when I moved here. They were in sheltered accommodation, because my Dad had had a massive stroke some years before, and my Mum had Parkinsons Disease for years. I really was the one (being the only daughter) who took responsibility for them when I lived there, but thankfully when I moved my youngest brother took over. He constantly told me not to worry and that things were OK, but it doesn't stop you worrying does it?
ReplyDeleteYou sound very busy indeed...but clearly an enjoyable busy! xxx
I am definitely in ''enjoyable busy mode at the moment, Ayak, even though my parents' situation is definitely bothering me and making me feel a bit guilty. Fortunately, we're a fairly sensible family (I am definitely the least sensible but my sister is brilliant) and we're doing what we can to keep on top of the situation however we can. I can do my bit by calling Mum everyday and I know that's helping.
DeleteI feel more sad than guilty - I've always tried not to feel guilty about things. Though sometimes it's hard.
We've all been there or going there, I guess....
Axxx
Hello Annie,
ReplyDeleteWe can easily imagine the stress and strain of being so far away from your parents and wanting to give them your support. But, you must be kind to yourself and not divide yourself too thinly otherwise you will help nobody and be unhappy in the process. You are doing all that you reasonably can and you and your sister must seek help from the relevant authorities if the burden becomes too great. That is what they are there for.
It is cheering to read about your own work going so well. You put such a lot of thought and effort into it that it was bound to succeed but it must have been a relief when those first lessons went so well. Onwards and upwards they say! Perhaps the same can be said for the garden too?!
Thank you for your kind words, Jane and Lance. I have had lots of conversations with my parents and my sister and the situation is currently under control...a few more hours sleep a night has worked wonders for my mum and my dad's agitation is slowly coming under control. Fingers crossed for a smoother period ahead.
DeleteFortunately for me, my sister is very capable and we are the best of friends, so I don't feel burdened by guilt or by being so far away. As long as Mum knows I'll call her every day, I know that is helping.
I'm delighted to say my classes are going well still and the feedback I get is keeping me well buoyed up! As for the garden....well, let's just say it's not exactly all roses at the moment!
Axxx
The mix of life's pleasures and challenges all at once can be exhausting, especially from afar, can't it, Annie? I will be hoping and praying that all works out for the best for your Mum and Dad.
ReplyDeleteOn to the good things, which are good indeed. Sounds like your new, expanded teaching endeavors are off to a great beginning. It is rewarding, if challenging, to be stretched a bit in life and then to look back with a sense of accomplishment. Exactly what you will be doing as time goes on.
As to your garden, sigh. All will be well - eventually (says she who has been through such things). Enjoy your day, or is it evening there now?) and know that good wishes are traveling your way from across the big pond.
Sleep is such a healer ... good to read in your comments that your mother is benefiting from getting more of it.
ReplyDeleteAnd I had to smile at your comment about Mateo's hair ... all mine did things once they had money of their own that I wouldn't have countenanced if they'd been spending mine, part of growing up I guess!
Parents and children ... such complicated relationships, whether good or bad.
Chuffed for you everything's working out so well with the new job