How are you with heights? I have a reasonable head for them as long as I am 'safe'. I can climb a ladder without problem. I can use lifts and cross bridges. I love flying and always take a window seat so I can see the ground like a map below me.
Yet I have an uncontrollable fear of being on 'an edge' - even worse if the edge is at a height. It's not a fear of falling. It's a fear I will jump. I call it my lemming urge, even though it's urban myth that lemmings leap over cliffs 'en masse'.
It was as we made our way - unguided - to an opening high above the sea and all eight of us in our party emerged to stand on an unrailed ledge whilst the sea boiled and crashed below us, that my fear really took hold. I would have only been about seven, I think but I can still remember the feeling of absolute horror as everyone milled aimlessly about the narrow, crumbly ledge. I seemed to be the only one remotely concerned but I was convinced I would 'allow' myself to go beyond the edge...and so returned to the dark, safeness of the cave, and withdrew into myself for the rest of the day, despite parental instructions to 'enjoy yourself, you're on holiday'.
Tilly Whim Caves spoilt my holiday that year. They were closed to the public in 1976 due to being unsafe. I knew it.
Years later, on another holiday - that same feeling came rushing over me again as I visited Pisa in Italy with my parents. It was probably 1986 and a few years before the tower was closed to the public which major works went on to halt its dangerous tilt. We went up and experienced the strange feeling of moving one's legs as if climbing UP stairs, whilst the force of gravity on the body made it feel as though you were moving DOWN stairs. A most unusual experience. From time to time, there were openings to walk out and around the outer 'loggia' of the tower but we kept climbing up. Until we were almost at the top, that is. It was at a point where the 'downward' tilt of the tower was at its greatest and there was an opening - look closely at the last 'full width' layer in the photo to the left to see what I mean - you can see an opening behind the columns.
Well, I foolishly came out of one of those. At a sloping angle.
And LOOK!!! No railings, nothing to stop me from slipping sneakily between the columns and jumping...
As it happened, I took the most sensible action available to me to avoid the jump. I embraced one of the columns and just hung on.
And on, and on, and on. I couldn't let go.
It took my father, my mother and my ex to pry my fingers from the stone and guide me back inside. I was quite calm and even continued up to the very top. There are photos of me there, gripping the metal railings tightly, but smiling in a quietly hysterical sort of way.
It is now open to the public again though I don't know if you are allowed to wander freely...and dangerously... around the loggia layers that are such a scary prospect for some of us.
As I think about the next thing that comes to my mind on this subject, my toes have started to involuntarily grip the floor beneath them as I type.
On a wonderful holiday in Provence one year - and it must have been around 1989 or 90 - we visited, amongst many other stunning places - the Pont du Gard. This is a Roman aqueduct bridge spanning the beautiful Gardon river. It's a jaw-dropping piece of architecture and I remember there being quite a lot of visitors there when we went and quite a lot of tatty tourist shops too. What I can't quite remember is how I suddenly found myself walking across the TOP of the bridge. Yes, the TOP! It was busy and it was a very long way down. With each step, I concentrated on creating a feeling of suction in my feet to 'stick' me to the ground. Then every so often, there would be a gap in the path in front of me - a ventilation shaft to the level below - and I would have to step widely to cross it. And then there would be someone coming TOWARDS me and expecting me to move out of the way. When this happened, I kept my eyes down and stopped moving altogether until they had found another way round.
I have never been more terrified in all my life. At least when I got to the other end, I could return via several 'layers' lower down. Aaargh...sets my teeth on edge just thinking about it again. And why am I not in the least bit surprised to read that this too has been closed. Although work has been done on improving the visitor area, no one is allowed to walk across the top any more. I found this piece most informative and reassuring as I was checking to see if it was still possible to cross - even to make sure I hadn't imagined it all!
But I have to confess, no matter how awful the actual experience was, I am rather pleased to think that I did walk across this amazing bridge without the help of ropes or rails - and without wearing a harness or a parachute. I did - I really did.
When have you found yourself at the edge?
I'm fine with heights, although my son has a fear very similar to yours. He is fine in a ski lift or even a fantasticable where you fly headlong between mountain peaks, even though he is high up and exposed. He says this is because he trusts that something which is holding him in. However when we walk along a mountain ridge he has that fear that he won't be able to prevent himself from falling/jumping so almost has to crawl along.
ReplyDeleteI think many people would have been scared by the high levels of the Punt du Gard.
Hi Gaynor - yes, it's not like a fear of heights and I envy your son's experience of the fantasticable. I've always fancied parachuting as the perfect indulgence of my phobia - jumping out of an aeroplane (but with strings attached!)
DeleteI have looked at that bridge many times and wondered how the hell I did it. And why it was allowed!! Really toe-curling...
Axxx
Oh my goodness, scary or what?! as a person who gets dizzy just standing on a matchstick, I really cannot imagine how on earth you managed any of those feats, even if I did manage to climb, my back would certainly be against the wall.......
ReplyDeleteIn retrospect, there are two things I have to remember. i) I must be mad. ii) I don't jump! As for backs being against the wall, then in the last one, there was no wall...only the crumbly old stones you were standing on!
DeleteLike the idea of being dizzy standing on a matchstick!
Axxx
Annie, I wouldn't even have put one foot on the top of the Pont du Gard - or gone up the Leaning Tower of Pisa! It make me feel queer just looking at the pictures! I'm OK in planes, and have reasonably happily been on chair lifts in the mountains, but edges ..... no way!! I, too, have had to be physically helped off a ledge, and also a bridge with only one side having a rail. Never again (I couldn't anyway, nowadays, as I'm on crutches!!) But the pull to jump is absolutely terifying - my mother has it as well, so I think I probably got it from her, like my serious arachnophobia. Keep away from edges!
ReplyDeleteOh dear, Helva - you have got it bad! When I'm on the ground looking up, I have no fear of making the ascent...and if it were all railed in I don't think I'd have any problems at all. It's discovering an openness once I'm at the top that sets me off. Edges.
DeleteSorry to hear you're on crutches now but it sounds as though you wouldn't be tempted near an edge in anycase. Take care!
Axxx
I and two of my sons have this fear of edges too. I am a bit nervy about heights in general & this seemed to develop after I had children, for obvious reasons. I also can't bear to watch others on cliff edges, high buildings, tightropes etc. I remember well when every village event hereabouts seemed to involve a bungee jump!
ReplyDeleteAaargh - I can't even bear to think about it!
Although I had it for myself before I had children - all these examples above are from this period - since I had them, I think I'm worse! It's impossible for me to see my children near an edge and when Mateo was two I had such a horrid experience, I still can't really talk about it. He was fine but I am still not. So I fully understand! However, I feel I could probably do a bungee jump...like parachuting, it seems to offer the change to indulge the desire to jump...might cure me forever!
DeleteAxxx
I'm dreadful with some heights...and the problem is that I don't have much idea of which ones will cause me the anxiety you so brilliantly describe. I stood on the top of the World Trade centre in New York in the early 80s without a care in the world....but just a few years later, emerged from the lift in the Empire State building and had to sit on the floor, with my back to the centre of the building, staring into the sky through a window on an outer wall....opposite me was a woman sitting with her back to the outside wall, equally unable to move. We stared at each other, with sympathetic glances until the others in our respective families had finished running around saying how wonderful it was. I had to be helped into the lift one the way down.
ReplyDeleteHowever, nothing has ever affected me as much as that damn cable car in Barcelona. I had 6 month old Jess with me, and really was totally terrified...again, clinging onto a pole within the cab....and the baby.
When Jess did a parachute jump in Australia, I made her promise to tell me after she had done it ! I am now dreadful with the grandchildren.... "Be careful Liam" is my most used phrase. This post has made me relive some awful moments....but its good to know I'm not the only one. Jxxxx
Oh I'm so sorry, Janice. I didn't mean to revive those memories. I'm now much worse than I was and do have awful panicky moments when the children go near an 'edge' - they don't seem to have the fear I have and I do hope not to transmit it to them. I want them to be able to take a few risks in their lives - I'm delighted to hear Jess has done a parachute jump, so you obviously haven't affected her in a negative way with your own fear. (Of course not!)
DeleteAnd saying 'Be careful' - well, I don't think they hear it! It's like a nervous tic - can't help it, doesn't make the slightest difference!
Sorry again, but glad to know that I'M not the only one either!
Axxx
Nothing would have persuaded me to cross the top layer of the Pont du Gard...I'm fine on heights with something to hold on to and sufficent width to keep me away from an edge, but doing a
ReplyDelete'Look mum, no hands'
job would give me the heebies.
No urge to jump whatsoever, just a horrible fear of falling.
Something in me is quite proud of the achievement, but I'm so glad it's now closed! I wouldn't be tempted a second time in any case.
DeleteMy urge is definitely to give jumping a go - the fear is that I will. But clearly I never have so perhaps the urge isn't as strong as I fear...hmmm, now it sounds complicated too!
Axxx
Nothing on earth would have giot me across the top levbel of the Pont du Gard, Annie, though I remember admiring it enormously on my first visit to France at the age of 16. I used to have a truly terrible head for heights when I was younger and one of my worst nightmares is still the falling one. I could only stand at a height with my back to something solid and like you was terrified of unguarded edges. My family used to swear I went pale and wobbly standing on a chair!
ReplyDeleteThings are much better now in some ways. I can now fly copmfortably in a plane, even in a window seat, and I hugely enjoyed my visit to the very top of the Empire State Building a few years ago. But I'm still hopeless on ladders and cliff edges are still a total no-no.
I do actually feel quite amazed that I got across - but goodness, how my toes gripped each footstep. It was a stunning place - but I can't say I enjoyed my visit there.
DeleteI'm absolutely fine on ladders, chairs and tall buildings myself. It's definitely the edges that get me pale and wobbly.
You obviously managed much better than Janice on the top of the Empire State Building. I don't think I shall ever get there.
Axxx